I went for a run today. Just another cloudy day, but the fear of leaving the house somehow left me alone. I tried to fight it, that fear, to take over the control. I tried to think logically; listing the things I am afraid of in my head and diminishing it with rationalization one by one. Obviously, I didn’t get to the main point, because the fear did not left. It stayed like a lingering emotion, scared of something but not knowing what it is.
But today there was an window to freedom, and I grabbed the opportunity and left my house.
Different rushes of adrenaline pass trough my body on an average day. After all, I am an emotional and easily triggered person, both for positivity and negativity, so rushes of extremely positive emotions do not come as a surprise.
But what does surprise me is how unconnected they are with reality. Because, in the end, little of them really matter, and, some of them get me in big trouble. By, in example, falling madly in love, or leaving an important task for something that just shines and is my heart’s wish in just one moment. A moment I am ready to risque or leave things for that I later regret.
And I keep pumping my brain with more and more information, hoping there will be some great epiphany, some information that will miraculously put things together, give purpose to everything, and organize my life by it’s real priorities.
Information and heartfelt ideas keep mixing and inspiring each other, giving me the happiness to leave all of my gray, anxious and boring life behind. Making me forget that it is not the real, long term escape. That it might just leave me stuck in the same place for a longer period of time. Often, that is the price I pay for that glimpses of happiness. Often I call that procrastination. Doing something that makes me happy in a moment, that gets me away from something I am afraid of, but hurts me in the long term.
Even writing that makes my head hurt. That is not something I want to believe in, that is not a world I want to live in. But the way I am living is not working either. Am I really standing with my both feet on the ground? Am I really mature enough to recognize irrational happy thoughts from real life responsibilities, or do I keep living as a rebellious 16 year old that keeps defying all of the rules, and then, ends up disappointed that the world is not abiding to my rules? How immature is that, how selfish. Maybe it is my own selfishness and inability too concentrate on others and their needs that’s making me unhappy.
A sunny day, I’m pulling my curtains down. No sun allowed here, because it might just reveal the hard truth, that my days are passing in a state I did not choose, in a state of constant fear and depression I do not know how to get rid of. So in my room, there is a girl shoveling her brain with information, in just the right quantity to make sure it she have any minutes to think about herself.
Sometimes a nice stranger, or a loving friend comes down and gives me a hand to pull the drowning me out of the water, and for our time together, I feel purposeful again. But with leaving, I automatically jump back to the water I feel I could even stand in, and me, triathlete and an excellent swimmer, starts drowning again.
Feelings… I feel like I could swim in that water, I feel like I could even stand in it. But what do my feelings really matter? That must be the root of it all, my deceiving feelings that had brought me so much suffering in my life. And my memory that just can’t let go, and keeps repeating… There is a message in here, somewhere. Be careful, you didn’t know it back then, and you still do not know it now. Your emotions will deceive you again and you will end up suffering, again.
But is this not suffering as well? This feeling of losing power over my limbs, feeling of being afraid to have the simplest human interaction without so many negative scenarios attacking me that they make my thoughts unrecognizable, tied in a huge lump I call anxiety.
I would like to move, I would like to do, but I am afraid. I am afraid even to really think about what am I afraid of. There is a huge monster hiding behind it, I can recognize it, but I still did not find out his name. This monster jumps out as soon as I have a wish to make a change, it puts pressure over my chest and makes my breathing shallow, increasing my heart rate.
I wish I had a vision that makes the fight worth the effort, but I don’t.
I only feel there might be something, somewhere, far away, in the mist.
I get my ass of the bed, search for a solution for as much as I can concentrate, and sometimes, I really find it.
Today I had an interview with a volunteering service and they accepted me as a new teacher. So now, I have to prepare classes 2 times per week for an online class of Colombian children. How exciting is that?
The most exciting thing about it is that I see no way for it to hurt me. Children have never disappointed me. And even if they do, I will forgive them, and come back with pure joy and love in my heart, as they have given me so much already that it is impossible to overshadow.
That is the goal I have for my life in general. Not to be a fighter, a pusher, a survivor, but to enjoy the process knowing that there is just enough joy coming for the suffering to be worth it.
